Abstract
Problem: What kinds of reactions do gay men encounter when coming out, and what practical advice can be offered to those navigating similar experiences?
Approach: Tim Cain shares his personal coming out stories from 2002 (in his mid-30s, while finishing Temple of Elemental Evil at Troika Games), cataloguing the range of reactions he received and offering specific advice for gay men.
Findings: Most reactions were indifferent ("oh okay"), some were presumptuously supportive ("we can still be friends"), one was enthusiastically allied, and a few were amusingly unexpected. He also identifies a common social trap: the "are you attracted to me?" question from straight male friends.
Key insight: Coming out is different for everyone — "we're on the same freeway but we're in different lanes" — and the most telling reactions often reveal more about the other person than about you.
Context
Tim Cain came out as gay in 2002 at approximately age 36–37, while working at Troika Games on The Temple of Elemental Evil. He grew up closeted through the 1980s and 90s, decades with very limited and largely negative gay representation in media. This is a Pride Month Friday video where he steps away from game development topics to share personal stories.
The Spectrum of Reactions
The Indifferent Majority
Most people responded with a simple "oh okay" — they literally didn't care. Tim notes this is in some ways the best possible reaction, though it carries a slightly anticlimactic quality.
The "I Already Knew" Crowd
Some people responded with "oh yeah, I figured" or "I knew since I met you," which Tim found ironic given how long it took him to figure it out himself.
The Conditional Acceptance
A few people said "I'm okay with that — we can still be friends." Tim compares this to discovering Swedish ancestry through genealogy and having someone respond the same way: the framing implies there was something to accept in the first place.
The Enthusiastic Ally
One friend got genuinely angry — but in the best way. He said: "I can't believe you didn't tell me earlier! I would have been such a good ally. I would have set you up with my gay friends." He was upset Tim hadn't come out the moment they met.
The Curious Questioners
Some asked "how do you know?" — to which Tim responds "how do you know you're straight?" This tends to stump people who somehow believe their own orientation is self-evident while his requires explanation.
The Type-Curious Friend
Tim tells a story about Doug, a straight colleague at Carbine Studios who became fascinated with figuring out Robert's (Tim's future husband) type. Doug would enthusiastically point out men everywhere — at intersections, restaurants, anywhere — asking "is that your type?" until he got genuinely good at identifying it.
The Mother's Checklist
A younger woman at Troika told Tim her mother wanted her to date him. His qualifications: nice, respectful, good-looking, homeowner. When told Tim was gay, the mother's response was: "As long as I get a couple grandbabies, I don't care what he does on the side."
The "Are You Attracted to Me?" Trap
Tim offers specific advice for gay men: when a straight male friend learns you're gay, they will likely ask "are you attracted to me?" He identifies three types of straight men in this scenario:
Type 1: The Offended
If you say no, they get defensive: "What do you mean? Am I not good-looking enough?" They're upset at not being found attractive.
Type 2: The Disgusted
If you say yes (or even maybe), they respond with "ew." Tim points out the irony and uses it as a teaching moment: women sometimes feel that exact same "ew" when these men check them out.
Type 3: The Secure
They don't care whether you find them attractive — and crucially, they never ask the question in the first place. If someone asks, they're almost certainly Type 1 or Type 2.
On Giving Advice
Tim is careful about the limits of his perspective. He uses the metaphor: "We're on the same freeway but we're in different lanes." He can flag major things ahead on the road, but can't predict the specific potholes in someone else's lane — especially for those who are lesbian, trans, bi, or have different experiences from his own.
He also emphasizes that there's no "right" age to come out: some do it as teenagers, some in their 20s, some not until their 40s or 50s. It's different for everyone.
References
- Tim Cain. YouTube video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bvASm9ZQZA